Today I will not be sharing stories of school, but the story of my first time snowboarding.
Let me give you some background information first...
I've been invited snowboarding before and have always politely declined, never feeling like I'm missing out. Actually, that's not completely true. I did attempt to go several years ago but freaked out as soon as we entered the parking lot. That was a bad day...
The truth is, I've been terrified of trying this sport because of the following reasons:
1. I hate snow. I never take advantage of the snow by getting in snowball fights, making snowmen, going sledding... etc. It was fun when I was a kid but now it's just misery served cold.
2. I'm not an athlete. I'm weak, girly, and clumsy. I have about as much athletic capabilities as a hampster. Wait, don't they run on those wheels and shit? Make that a hampster with a broken leg.
3. Speed. Something about going full speed down a mountain slope just doesn't sit right with me.
4. Fashion. The fact that I have to bundle up like Ralphie's little brother in
A Christmas Story covering up all of my lady curves PLUS hiding my hair in some snow hat, frankly, is depressing. If I'm going to suck at something I might as well look good sucking at it, right?
Okay, so knowing all of these things, you would be surprised that I actually agreed to going, wouldn't you?
*Sigh*
Well somehow my cute friend from work convinced me that it would be fun. It was just going to be me and her, not a big group, so if I fell down a bunch of times I wouldn't be as embarrassed. And to be honest, I thought, "What the hell... what's the worst that could happen? I should at least try it and see if it really is as bad as I think." I think I have had this mind set lately because of all this madness going on around the world, convincing me that some detrimental shit is going to happen in 2012, and because of that I'm starting to take more risks and try as many things as possible. You only live once, right? And I live in Utah for god sakes where our license plates state we have "the best snow on earth". If the snow here really is that great then I probably should just give in and experience it.
So... I agreed. I did all the prep work, put on the unflattering layers of clothing (including a turtleneck- gross!), bought some snow pants, rented a board and boots, and we were on our way to the ski resort. I was definitely nervous but still optimistic about it.
I didn't freak out as bad in the parking lot, even though at that point the intimidation started to sink in. Here are all of these hippie snowboarders that live for this kind of shit, and here I am, annoyed because this hat is ruining my really good hair day. I kind of felt paranoid that everyone around would notice my "first-timer radar" pulsing out of my body through their orange goggles. It kind of felt like I was an alien trying to blend in with these snowpeople on another planet but everyone could tell I was not from this world.
A lot of things were going on... I was trying to walk in these boots that pushed me forward and there weren't any stairs so we had to hike up this steep slope to even get where the ski lift was. Once I reached the top of that slope (thankfully without slipping) I was already winded (stupid smoker lungs) and was trusting in my friend to walk me through the process.
The next step was binding one foot into the board and then scooting to the chair lift. We watched as other people got onto the lift. They were sliding into position with one foot locked in to their board like skateboarding. She showed me how to bind my foot in and we started scooting along to approach the lift. I was feeling pretty OK, thinking, "I can do this!"
I spoke too soon. This next part happened so fast it was like a blur...
We let a few people go in front of us so we wouldn't hold anyone up. My friend is in front of me and decides to hurry up to position, since the lift seems like it's moving fast. I am trying my best to follow her, but the front of my snowboard is going to the left when I needed to go right, and before I knew it I was being knocked over by the chair, fell on the ground, and watched as the chair lift literally ran me over.
I was chair lift roadkill.
I am laughing at myself right now but at the time I was mort.i.fied.
MORTIFIED.
I was now on the ground, my board horizontal, and my foot that was locked in was twisted upside down. I figured the attendent guy would immediately help me up but apparently he got a kick out of watching me squirm on the ground like a fish. My hands were burning and I was so pissed that I angrily demanded someone help me back up. At that time I saw a bunch of people standing in line behind me and all I could do was turn away. The attendent had stopped the lift for me, got me into position and the second try was a success.
Sadly my moral had plummeted and I wasn't sure how I was going to bounce back. I cried like a baby the whole way up the chair lift as my friend is in front of me trying to explain how I was supposed to get off the lift when we got to the top.
Well, I couldn't stop crying. I kept wiping the tears away but all I could think of was how embarrassing that experience was. I WAS RUN OVER BY A CHAIR LIFT. If I was waiting in line behind me and saw someone like myself get run over by a chair you can bet I would be laughing my ass off. I assumed everyone was laughing at me and the tears just kept pouring.
Even though I was crushed on the inside, I was still moving up a mountain and there was no turning back. I had to do this as much as I wanted to crawl into a corner and hide.
As we got to the top it became time to get off the lift and... you guessed it, I fell again. But, this is where people were expected to fall, so it wasn't as bad. I was warned beforehand that I was going to fall a bunch of times but I didn't expect to have the embarrassment drain me each time.
I binded my other foot and was now officially locked into the board. We scooted along the flat areas getting closer to the incline and I was doing pretty good. Though, I got stuck in a few flat spots and kept going backward every time I tried to move forward. Then I had to fall, and literally crawl on my knees with my board still strapped on to my feet, so I could get to a spot where I could get up and move forward.
I really don't know how many times I fell. Each time that I had to get up I felt like my muscles were being pushed to the brink of exhaustion and the fact that I got up was part effort/part luck.
I got up, I fell down, I got up, I fell down... (repeat 20x)
This was all before the actual incline started. Once I saw the incline I started to freak the @#$% out. My friend told me it was a green run when I thought we were only going down the bunny hill. (Apparently the bunny hill is closed during the evenings and this was my only way back down). The green hill was still very easy, but to me it looked like a death trap. There were cliffs that if I went off them I would be tumbling down like a rag doll and could possibly shatter my spine.
My friend assured me I would be OK and began teaching me the technique we would be doing to get down. I needed to face my board horizontal with the slope and would be sliding from side to side, bending my knees and practicing my heel action.
This would all be well and good if I could actually get up and STAY up. Every time I tried to get up my board would be moving underneath me and I would fall down again. It was turning into a joke. You can only fall down and get up so many times before the frustration kicks in.
Once again, I laid down on my back trying to move my board up but to no avail. My leg muscles were no longer working. The weight of my board was too much to bear. I laid on my back still hooked into my board feeling like a failure and I don't think I stopped crying for the rest of the evening. I told my friend to just go without me and that I didn't want to do it. I unhooked my bindings and walked back up to the chair lift and called my husband balling my eyes out.
I told him about being run over by the chair lift and how I couldn't stay up on my board and how I was scared of the incline. He felt so bad for me.
I started to panic. I couldn't do this. This was not for me. There was no way in hell I was going down that slope and all I wanted to do was be back on solid ground.
When my friend came back up the lift for a second round we luckily spotted a ski patrolman and I told him through my tears that I was having an anxiety attack and I needed his assistance in bringing me back down. He was very nice and understanding.
My choices were to hook one foot into my board and scoot down the slope (no), get bundled up and have him bring me down in a toboggan (hell no), or he could ride down with me on the lift (yes please!).
I felt like a complete idiot, but I felt saved at the same time. Mascara was running down my face as I told the patrol guy how bad I sucked. I asked him how often this happens and he said all the time. He tried to make me feel better but the eyes staring at me from the other side of the chair lift stung me like a bee. I just wanted to yell at them, "YES PEOPLE, you're right... I freaked out, I'm crying, and this nice man is now bringing me down because I'm a complete WUSS!!!"
As we went down I saw a bunch of little kids doing all these tricks on their snowboards on the ground below. Little kids like seven year olds doing what was impossible for me to do. I have never felt more pathetic in my entire lifetime.
I avoided eye contact with everyone, had to sign some papers at the patrol dude's office, and told my friend I would be waiting in the car, even though she urged me to hang out at the bar. Mind you, I was still crying and even though it was tempting, the last thing people want to see is a sad drunk crying at the bar.
I told her to go down a few more times and that I would be perfectly happy chain smoking by her car. She hesitantly agreed and I was happy to finally weep alone in my misery. As I took off the layers of clothing I felt free and could finally breathe normally again.
As I thought everything over I realized there were just too many factors involved in this hellish sport for me to ever think I would enjoy it. The cold, the snow, the gear, the chair lift, the boots, the athletic nature, the technique, the intimidation, the people around me sliding around like it was nothing...
It was then that I realized..."I am NOT a bad ass. I am the biggest PUSSY on the face of this EARTH!!!"
And you know what? I am quite happy that way. I took off the hat and immediately fixed my hair.
My friend was sad that I had a traumatic experience but I still thanked her for taking me. I felt bad that I had ruined her time and that she basically had to go alone, but she assured me that she was fine and said that she had a good time anyway. She also mentioned that while she brought my board back to the car she noticed my board was about 10 pounds heavier than hers. That made me feel a little better knowing that the board I rented was partly to blame and it started to make sense why I couldn't control the board and why my legs could no longer lift it to get back up.
Even though I heard several times, "Your first two or three times snowboarding are going to be the worst, but you just have to keep going," I knew this was my first and last time I would ever try snowboarding. I'm glad I tried it and I'm actually proud of myself that I got past the parking lot. I'm proud that after my epic fail getting on the chair lift I didn't immediately quit, that I kept going and still tried several more times to give it a go, even with an insanely heavy board.
I tried... and that's all I could ask of myself.
Do I regret it? Hmm... I probably could have gone through life not experiencing the most embarrassing moment(s) of my life, but no, I don't regret it.
The experience helped me realize some things about myself...
1. I hate snow.
2. I'm not an athlete.
3. I'm scared of going full speed down mountains.
4. I despise doing anything that makes my hair look bad.
Above all I learned that it's OK to try new things... but it's probably best to stick with what you know :)
I know eventually I'm going to tell people about this story and laugh at how funny and ridiculous it was. I'm about halfway there as I'm still licking my wounds... I have 2 giant bruises, one on my shoulder and one on my ass, and I haven't been able to lift my arms above my head for two days now.
So the next time someone asks me to go snowboarding I'm going to smile and say,
"Nahhh... I'm good" :)
Have you ever tried something new only to experience an epic fail like mine?
Please.. embellish. I could use a couple fail stories to boost my ego.
