Do you remember how many effin' cranes that was??
One thousand is a big number. When I started out, sure, I wanted to be what Emily Hope recently called "blogfamous." I wanted to have thousands of readers. I thought that would make me a giant success. As I slowly grew, it started to hit me that it might actually be possible.
I thought having 1,000 readers would make me feel different... like maybe it would finally prove that I was legit or something. I know it's a big milestone, but even though I've received many congratulations, I'm not sure why.
I thought I would be doing better things with the blog at this point. I'm a little disappointed in myself, if you can believe that... I guess what I'm saying is I'm bummed that, in my opinion, the quantity doesn't match the quality.
Let me try to explain...
Reviewing my recent posts there are more sponsored posts, more giveaways, and more link ups. Not to say those are bad, but where are my design services I've been talking about for so long? Where is my new layout I've been needing to code? Where are my projects I should be working on? Where did me go?
I feel like I'm at that breaking point where I need to choose between engaging with my readers and focusing on my life and career. I need to choose whether I want to spend my days promoting or actually spend time accomplishing what I set out to do from the beginning- becoming one helluva designer.
I've been struggling with this a lot lately. I've been so busy with cleaning out my inbox, returning comments, trying to comment back... that I'm not reaching goals. I see people producing amazing creative things, things I should be doing, and here I am sitting on my ass because I have 50 emails I should have already answered. I get so exhausted and by the time I'm ready to do my own post my creative energy is fried.
I hate to say it, but maybe I've become a blog snob. I'm not saying I have 1,000 people banging down my door wanting to be besties, but I've felt a lot of guilt lately for not returning every comment. I've seen some posts around complaining about bloggers that don't return comments, and I have to say that I understand why.
I've decided I'm not going to pressure myself to do that anymore. There are several times when yes, I will want to spend a good 3 or 4 (or 8) hours reading blogs, because I love it and that is the reason why we blog in the first place, to engage with the community. But when I do that I want it to be authentic, I want to want to do it, not feel obligated or expected.
What a way to show my gratitude, right?
I feel like an asshole (yep- uncensored) but I had to confess. Maybe a confession at 1:30 in the morning isn't the best time to explain clearly what I'm about to publish, and I'm sorry if this wasn't the kind of post you were expecting for a milestone, but hey, at least it's real.
Just know that I love you guys... and I'm not just saying that. I read every comment. I read every email. I appreciate you. I thank you always for your kind words of encouragement. If this blog was a machine you would be the fuel. I recognize that. I will never forget that. And I won't ever forget where I started.
It's time I start living. It's time I start embracing my potential. It's time I stop finding reasons to procrastinate. It's time I start living up to my own expectations.
I just hope you are willing to stick along for the ride.